If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
