I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
