Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
operation have a gay friend backfired
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
