i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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