I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
