im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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