i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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