She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
