I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
