You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
