Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Farmville is her only friend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
