Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Randomize
