Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
