If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
