I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
