i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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