The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
