the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
