everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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