He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
