Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
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He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize