Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
