I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
