allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
