if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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