My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
