Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
