On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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