ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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