I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
