Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
