Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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