if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
