my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
