Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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