if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
