i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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