sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
