I'm going to jail i love you
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
