Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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