Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
