She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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