i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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