My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
