Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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