She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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