Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
