Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
