eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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