I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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