margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
