Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
