Tell her she can't have a vagina
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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