I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
