dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
