I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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