I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
