I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
