so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
