I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
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It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
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so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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