the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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