She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
