i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
