her vagine was all disorganized.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
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you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Couch. On fire.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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