I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
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I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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