I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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