I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
