pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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