I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
